I think I've an idea. I'm going to try it anyway. I had wanted to write it for the Unusuals because a TV show that's over is easy to write futurefic for, but clearly, I need more practice with them before attempting a postable fic. Seems like this bingo will be almost entirely Avengers, something I HAD been hoping to avoid.
Okay. I just thought I'd offer a bit of extra to see if that might help, but since you have an idea, that's good, even if it's not the idea you want. Sometimes those ones work better.
I personally think it's that whole critical/overthinking brain turn off factor, or what I call throwing a story back in the abyss. It's easier when I don't know too much about where I'm going. It's a tricky balance for me, enough but not too much.
Btw, speaking of which, I've been bumping this "Small Consolations" story around in my head since we temporarily shelved "Justice." Mostly I want to take a different focus and hit it up different. Was wondering if you had any prompts, non-epic ideas? I figured, I'd write something, bounce it on over, let you completely red-ink the sucker within an inch of its sorry little life, then get a bounce where I could do the same. I've been stewing instead of talking because I hadn't finished a bingo yet and I was moving, seriously, but now I'm still moving, but things are settling down enough and while I'm still writing for the bingo, I got my first single-line done.
Also btw, are you okay with a nonmarried couple in your entertainment? I didn't think you were, but then I realized I didn't know, so if you are, you actually might like The Unusuals, which I originally told you not to bother with.
I'm really not sure. I think that thing happened that I told you I was worried about: I went away from it for too long. I have no idea how to get back into it. Alik's not talking to me anymore, and I've got nothing for either story. It's like they... died.
As for unmarried couples... It depends. I like knowing how people come together, so I don't mind seeing the process of how they fell in love and married. I tend to avoid most nonmarried couples now if possible because most of the time they're having sex before they are, and if not with each other, then with other people... I've basically accepted, though, that if I watch television, that's how it will be. They won't be together and they likely won't get married, but they will have plenty of sex, even if it is done in a semi-tasteful fadeout.
I had actually seen the DVD set of the Unusuals before at the library and been tempted to check it out, but I wasn't sure how I'd react to the nonending I read it had when I looked it up.
'Tis okay. I'll still bounce it around in my head before sending it back. I needed a little death to get to where I'm going. Sad but true. Very sad. Am I just weird?
:le sigh:
Yeah, nonmarried sex happening. The nonending was... not a cliffhanger, just like a series that leaves most episodes with the characters still dealing with their core issues and not progressing very far or fast. The story's great, so if you don't mind an overarching story doing a wrap-up, it's fine. To be honest, I want a lot more episodes, but I didn't think it did a bad job ending things. It reached a stopping point and that was okay for me.
Okay. I don't know if it's weird, but I know... I don't feel good trying to work that way. I feel like the stories are so dead they can't and maybe shouldn't be resurrected.
It might be okay as a show. Like I said, I accept that if I watch tv, I will see that kind of thing. I will avoid it when I can, but it's just not possible with television, not anymore.
Well, I never promised to not write anymore and the stories never were dead for me. I just couldn't write in the stressed out space though my muse was still doing plenty of talking, so while you're under no obligation to do anything with what I send you, for me it's not resurrection; it's just opening up, rereading, and continuing where I left off. I wish I could help it. I wish I hadn't gotten so stressed out I couldn't write at the time. I wish we had known right off the bat how to get on the same page before starting.
In the meantime, life happened and keeps on trucking.
I know you promised to keep working on it after the break you needed for your move. I thought that was enough to where I wouldn't do what I usually do, but it wasn't.
With me, writing is like an express train. It goes full steam until it reaches it's destination. It may slow down at times and it may switch tracks, but if it stops, it stops hard, explodes in a wreck that is rarely able to be cleared. It's ugly. There are fatalities.
After something like that, I have to take a step back and deal with the damage. I have to accept the loss. When I shelve something, I know I may never come back to it and even if I do, it will never be the same. I don't find my way back in easily, and that is why most of my sequels fail.
You did also say that you were unhappy with the directions both stories were going, and you wanted that to change. So... I put them on the shelf. I said goodbye. I forced myself to cut the emotional tether because I could not handle leaving them in that state of "maybe someday." Mentally, I can't handle that. It was too much, the up-yo of thinking it would get worked on and then having days and weeks and months would go by with nothing. I told myself patience first, and then I had to stop believing in it at all because I couldn't let myself try and hope for it. It was too hard when it didn't happen.
I finally cut it off during this last hiatus, accepted the death, and I am really not sure I can go back again. I'd need to know we were making steady progress again before I'd allow myself to touch it. I really love Alik and the story, but I can't do the starts and stops without some sometimes severe mental fallout, and that is why I'm almost more willing to let them die than start this all over again.
You still seem very busy and I'd rather not resume unless you really have the time for it.
I don't think we would have realized how many conflicts we had in our varied processes without trying to write first, and back when we started, we really did think we were on the same page.
I'm not asking you to mentally resurrect it now either. I'm just telling you that when I do send you something, you're under no obligation to do a thing about it. If you like it, great. If you don't, well, that's life.
The trouble is, knowing me, I'll want to. I'll want to go just a full steam as I did before. We both know that doesn't work. I take the story in directions you don't like and you have so many other commitments that make my excessive output overwhelming and unwanted. That's why I'm saying we need to be at a place where our time committed to the project is equal or as close to it as it can be or it will just fall apart again.
I am not sure why the site logged me out earlier. I didn't realize it had, so that anonymous reply, that was me. Must have been the internet on my phone at work being crappy.
I should add that I know that the demands on your time are greater than the ones on mine, and I understand that. I'm not trying to tell you that you have to do as much for the stories as I do because I know I'm faster and rather insane, but I really have come to resent the time you spend on fanfiction, and though I told myself I'd be patient and that it was a part of your process, I do not want to compete with that to do this story, and I don't like the way I feel about it. I'm not sure how to remedy that because I can't ask you to give up a part of your process. I just don't feel like I can compete with everything else... and I don't want to. I'd rather let the stories go than be a naggy clingy cowriter, but I feel that's all I am anymore.
Well, I wasn't really going to address any of the earlier comment, but I'll hit them up 2-fer.
1. The one-shots I posted for Trope Bingo took an hour a piece. Frankly, I don't spend a lot of time on fanfic, and sometimes I feel guilty about that. Poetry and one-shots don't TAKE a lot of time. Novels and original fiction do/does. Just the way I'm wired. Sorry.
2. I specifically went on total break so I didn't have to worry about the process. It wasn't about the difference of our speed. It was that I needed to finish something before I sent it to you and you kept changing it while I was working on it which made it pretty hard to work on. So while we worked out a method to deal with that, I finally was too stressed to work on it. I think it's fair to say that I didn't say I wouldn't write anything, just that we probably needed to step back on our collaboration and make sure we were still on the same page. We weren't. I haven't gotten enough headspace quite yet to hold a whole novel, so I haven't gone back and reread our letters/meta/work to figure out where we left off. Belibeve it or not, we're still wrapping up the move and my taxes were extended but they're not done. Also, I waited until the last minute pretty much to write my three fiction one-shots, create one photoset, and a fanmix. The photoset really didn't take an hour.
3. I knew the comment was you. I didn't notice it was anonymous.
4. I appreciate your patience. I understand your resentment. I've had a friend's book since just before I read the last book of yours I got to and haven't had the headspace to read a whole novel for a while now.
I already know the stuff in canon, so fandom stuff doesn't require headspace, or at least not nearly the same amount. I'm struggling at work still trying to comprehend instructions I read and tests I'm running, so you're sadly not the only person neglected right now, but you're the only one I specifically cleared it with first.
5. No matter what, you and your friendship still matter to me. I'm not expecting you to drag your hopes back out and have them dashed. I'm just telling you that sometime in the next month or two (provided this proofreading project that came in - paid, so yes, I'm taking it - doesn't drag out due to my concentration issues) you might get a finished draft of something. You may ignore it if you so please. You may alter the mess out of it if you so please. I don't really care.
I have learned that my definitions of success aren't other people's. I can't afford to take theirs on, so I don't. I also know we left off on the shelf and on good footing with a re-evaluate to be done after I was done moving, which sadly I'm not due to helping the general household in addition to dealing with my own stuff. Plus poor sleep.
I have never understood why I could fanfic pretty well when I'm at my lowest ebb and once I feel better, fanfic falls away pretty fast. I can only tell you that if I'm heavily involved in fandom, it's actually not a good sign for my general well-being, and I don't care. It's how I get through the low times, just like regular writing used to work for you.
I know that fanfiction is your coping mechanism, and I guess I should have called it that instead of your process. I know that you need it, and I wasn't really trying to say that you should or had to give it up. I just found myself feeling like what we were doing with the collaboration was not as important as these fanfiction challenges you signed up for, and it was bothering me, even though I tried not to let it because it wasn't really anything I had a right to be concerned about. I didn't understand that it was the process, the editing that was the issue. It really did feel at times like everything else was more important than the collaboration and that some of the stuff you were signing up for were might have been ways of avoiding it. I figured I was being unreasonable, but I couldn't seem to stop because I was frustrated with the lack of progress, feeling stymied, and insecure.
Frankly, I still am insecure about it.
I understand the move not being complete. The one I helped my friend with is far from done right now, too.
I have felt before, and still kind of do, that I would rather you not tell me you're working on anything or say that it might be coming. I do get my hopes up, and then things stall out and I get down. It's just easier not to know or expect anything.
I think you still have too much going on to where we should do anything with the stories. I'd rather wait until you were better/clear than add any stress. That's why I said we should wait until you had more time.
And... It bothers me to have you say that you don't care if I do something to the story or not. Why bother if you don't care? Don't do it if you don't care. Do something you care about.
I didn't mention anything until I asked if you had any prompts, solely because it sounded the day before like you might have had some quotes or song lyrics and that stuff really works well for me. That's why I didn't mention anything until I also knew for sure my brain is gearing up to do it, whether I know what I'm doing yet or not. I can feel it coming on, which is weird, but it's kind of like the gearing up that happened before I threw together a poetry book, which to help you feel better was pretty much all written already, just not compiled.
As for caring, I don't think you'll ever really understand why I write fiction. I CARE about writing it and about writing something you'll love. I DON'T care about whether you're up to participating at any level. I can't. I can't control how people react, and I HAVE to write, so I can't hang my hat on whether anyone else loves what I do on the fiction front. I write and I cling to the ones who turn out to be kindred spirits.
We're just simply not at all the same about why we write or how we motivate ourselves, so when I say things like I don't care, what I'm saying is there's no pressure or expectations on you. Do what you want, but this is something I need or want to do and I want to do it for you, so it'll happen even though you say you'd be worried if you had to be involved. You don't have to be involved. I won't mind. I love you anyway. My love for writing and the process of gifting someone else with fiction is my own and separate from my love for you. I don't care what you do is my way of saying it doesn't matter to me what you do; it won't change that I care and we're friends and separately again that I'll keep on writing.
I'm what I am, which is a rather quirky oddball of a writer who communicates best between the lines and not so well in these sorts of conversations, but I mean that. You don't need to feel any pressure. I'm just saying you'll get a gift since I let it out of the bag by asking for help and I expect you to do with it exactly and only what pleases you.
I don't think that I have any quotes or lyrics that fit the fic we were discussing, though I do have a few things that I've been wanting to either pass along or use myself if I could get past my own writing issues.
I did misunderstand that. I guess I feel that when I'm doing something for someone I want to include them in it, and if it is a collaborative effort, I figure it's important to include the other person.
I have a similar need to write, but I did acquire an unpleasant feeling of needing to share the writing. I haven't been proud of that, and I'm working on changing it. It used to be enough just to write, and I want that back.
I really didn't understand the "I don't care" in that sense. It sounded like you were doing it for the wrong reasons, and I really didn't want that.
I wasn't trying to be difficult about it, and I know I didn't explain myself very well with a lot of that, but I was trying to make it easier and also clear some of the air with stuff I hadn't felt brave enough to voice some of that, especially since some of it was stuff I didn't have a right to be upset over.
I get that. I have things between me and my sister where it's just a case of incompatibility in certain things and we clash, then forgive each other because there's not much else to be done. I knew you resented the time it took away and I also knew it wasn't personal and that you intellectually understood, so I apologized and didn't let it go anywhere.
I also hardly ever explain my reasons. My sister often doesn't want me to do things for the wrong reasons, and I have gotten pretty stubborn about ignoring that because she's usually totally off-base when guessing what my reasoning/thinking process/intentions are. I work around people's assumptions. There's enough grief in my life correcting my sister's about me and I'm working on ignoring hers too (that's just a wee harder though). So that to say, it stands to reason you wouldn't have a thorough picture of why I'm doing something. I'm training myself out of giving long drawn-out explanations, but without those, there a lot of potential inferences I don't always head off at the pass.
And while I'd love to say I stopped posting about what else I was doing so it wouldn't bother you, it wouldn't be true. I've stopped posting anything because 1) half the time I'm not doing anything and 2) the other half, I'm too busy doing real life stuff to take time to talk about what I'm doing instead of just doing it. This move has been traumatic in terms of life activities upheaval. So I cannot promise no posts that won't mention me catching up on ALL the fronts I've gotten behind on (which are many and varied), but I do try to be sensitive in the way I talk about it. My approach to life is pick a priority or two for the day, and the rest is icing. Icing rarely happens. I'm always pleased when it does, but I don't make much effort to prioritize icing.
I understand. It is very much like that with me and my sisters (in fact, if I didn't ignore all the behavior they have that I disagree with, well... I wouldn't be able to talk to any of them, *sigh*)
I'm not proud of the way I reacted to the situation. I just have a very hard time stopping my train, and when you had to stop, I really wasn't ready to, so everything else that was "in the way" was frustrating. I am one of those people that tends to "slow boil" and then everything that was bothering me, however insignificant, can come up at once and seem so much worse than it is because it's combined, and I try very hard not to let myself give into that, but I do sometimes. And I was trying to forestall more of that behavior from myself by asking to wait until there was more time because I didn't want to start down that path again.
I used to try and explain all my issues up front when I met people, so that they would know why I was the mess that I was. I found, though, that they didn't understand even when I did that, and so I stopped explaining and only opened up to a few people after that. It's hard to find the right balance of what to tell and what not to tell, and I think it's harder on the internet because there's only text boxes to do it in, no facial expressions or voice inflections and because we only know what each person we interact with is willing/able to share so we don't know enough. It can lead to plenty of misunderstandings. My friend and I actually had to agree not to text/chat for certain conversations because we both got upset by them because it was just text.
I didn't mean to suggest that you shouldn't post about your days and what you're doing. In fact, it was kind of worrisome that you didn't. I know I overreacted to the reading ones in the past (that is a whole other part of my insanity) and again, not proud of that, but when I said I didn't want to know that you were working on stuff, it was only regarding the stuff we were doing together. It was me not wanting to get my hopes up about that story again, not wanting to restart the train. I don't think you should have to censor your posts for me, and I don't want you to. I'm sorry that wasn't clearer. I just found that when you'd say "I might have some of this in a few days," I'd try not to get excited, fail, and get frustrated again when the few days passed and there wasn't anything. I haven't been able to fix that, which was why I said I thought I'd do better if I didn't know it was coming at all.
You are free to post what you want about your activities. Really.
I can put together some of the other quotes and stuff, but I thought maybe that you would like the imagery of this one:
The seagulls of summer have flown The sailors have wintered their boats Come sit by the fire And tell me your secrets Love isn't kept easily
The windows are shuttered and closed Blankets to keep out the cold But you are still restless Your heart is enchanted Drifting away from me
And is she beautiful She must be pretty or worse To ride the high seas She must be beautiful White linen sails That have captured your vagrant breeze Singing her siren song Luring you far from the harbor And into the gales She must be beautiful So beautiful To have stolen the wind from my sails
Casting your dreams out to sea Will you remember me As years go by Slipped with the tide It was I who set you free
And is she beautiful She must be pretty or worse To ride the high seas She must be beautiful White linen sails That have captured your vagrant breeze Singing her siren song Luring you far from the harbor And into the gales She must be beautiful So beautiful To have stolen the wind from my sails So beautiful To have stolen the wind from my sails
I'm glad you liked it. I was listening to it with my friend and she and I both were enjoying the imagery, and I laughed about that (because me and imagery, well...) and so I thought I should share the lyrics (can share song, too, if you want.)
I have another one with imagery that I really like, too:
Justus finds her on winter sands, shivering slightly in the chill salt breeze, long strands of her red hair flying up from her waist to billow in the wind.
Rachelle has an elegance that does not go with her easy foregoing of grace. She is slender and dressed in breezy layers, one over the other over the other to shut out the world, like the layers of walls she builds between her heart and another’s. He watches her hands catch the wind, watches her eyelids close over hazel eyes, watches the soft smile on her face that appears when no one else is watching. He knows she has sensed him watching.
He imagines he can see frost on her brow. There is cool indifference when she takes him into her gaze and arches one brow, but now that she has acknowledged him, she allows him closer, to slide his arms around her waist under her own and to breathe in the soft clean scent of her hair.
“Ever practical,” Justus murmurs quietly.
And Rachelle is practical. She dresses up only with a reason, she keeps her heart well inside her sleeves and her hair well out of her face in a fight. The layers she wears are pretty and feminine, but they are practical. They protect her skin from the genetic detritus in the air that can overload her special ability to read and replicate genetic material other than her own. She is ruthless with her walls because she needs him. Because he knows this, he respects her harsh demands for personal space. He does not touch her skin. He holds her lightly and lets her go at the slightest flinch.
She stares out at the cold sea, the shivers of snow scattered over the sand. “Is this practical?”
The question settles between them, unpleasantly heavy. She could be referring to the early winter frost, the cold in the air, and her choice to come here or it could be something more personal, like the fact that she knows now that Justus is in love with her. Love to Rachelle has never been practical.
“It’s us,” he says softly, hands still though he wants to brace them against her. He wants to hold on because every instinct inside him is telling him she’s going to let him go.
But Rachelle is not predictable. She turns around, head tilted playfully, mouth curving upward slightly on one side, and she kisses him softly on his cheek. It could mean nothing. It could mean everything.
“When I first saw you,” she says lightly, “I didn’t think you would make it.” It makes something inside him still and tense to hear the words. “You hated everything Shift was teaching you, and I figured someday, somehow she’d either ask too much or you would simply stop being you.”
Justus leans his forehead against hers, listening intently. “Did you know who I was?”
Her smile is sharp. “I’m not just a genetic processor, Justus.” And she’s not. She’s also the product of all the genes she has processed. She is any special ability she has encountered. She’s a mindreader, a cyberpath, a healer… everything. “You are justice and right and wrong and a survivor. I thought you’d survive, but that your sense of justice wouldn’t.”
He waits out her silence for almost a full minute.
“I was wrong,” she finally says and pulls away with a sigh. Her fingers don’t completely release his though, and she tugs him along behind her toward a misshapen pile of dry driftwood.
It doesn’t take much for him to notice what she intends and help her build a fire, then settle down beside her. It’s not often she feels a need to just talk, but he likes to listen when she does because it’s never something casual. It’s always something important.
“You’re a team member and yet you haven’t lost what your family made you.” She studies him with a piercing gaze. “You got me?”
“Are you trying to fix me?” Justus asks. There’s a harsher edge to his own tone. They’re coming full circle now into the comfortable sharpness they have always been together, blade sharpening blade, rough hand trailing up her spine.
“I don’t want to,” Rachelle states bluntly, then leans back on her hands.
It shakes off his touch. He lets it.
There’s something scathing in her appraisal now, something that stings and flays and makes him want to flay off some of her own layers and find the hurting heart beneath. He doesn’t even try. She would never let him.
“I’ll tell you a secret,” she says softly, that look still in her eyes, her face that this will hit him where he’s raw if he lets her.
This is her own form of respect, he thinks. He warns her before he touches her skin. She warns him before she bruises his heart. “Tell me,” he says roughly. She rarely (never) shares her secrets with someone she doesn’t trust. She doesn’t trust even half the people most think she does.
“We’re both broken.”
Justus studies her face when she says it. She is matter-of-fact. Rachelle is always practical.
“Love is being willing to break yourself again,” she goes on, voice darkening a shade, “until there’s no way left to pick up the pieces because that’s what you do if someone you love needs it.” She looks at him.
Tension flares. He couldn’t close the gap if he tried. It’s already full of so many nameless, sharp, and broken pieces they’ve fitted together in the effort to survive. Justus could touch her, but he knows she is saying he already has.
“Don’t love me,” she says and gets to her feet. Her fingers brush idly through his hair as she passes him and walks up the wintry beach.
Hurts so good seems to be my calling card lately. I write way too much angst. And I'll get these two sewn up eventually; I just kept coming back to that part of the lyrics.
The weight of lies will bring you down And follow you to every town 'cause Nothing happens here that doesn't happen there When you run make sure you run To something and not away from 'cause Lies don't need an aeroplane to chase you down ~The Avett Brothers, "The Weight of Lies"
And I know there are lots of others I could put in, too, but there's a start, hopefully not too overwhelming or anything.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2014-05-14 02:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-05-14 02:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-05-14 07:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-05-14 08:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-05-14 08:30 pm (UTC)I'm not so bothered by it as I think my style of writing just takes the half-brained ideas and runs with them all the time. Or it used to.
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Date: 2014-05-15 04:00 pm (UTC)Btw, speaking of which, I've been bumping this "Small Consolations" story around in my head since we temporarily shelved "Justice." Mostly I want to take a different focus and hit it up different. Was wondering if you had any prompts, non-epic ideas? I figured, I'd write something, bounce it on over, let you completely red-ink the sucker within an inch of its sorry little life, then get a bounce where I could do the same. I've been stewing instead of talking because I hadn't finished a bingo yet and I was moving, seriously, but now I'm still moving, but things are settling down enough and while I'm still writing for the bingo, I got my first single-line done.
Also btw, are you okay with a nonmarried couple in your entertainment? I didn't think you were, but then I realized I didn't know, so if you are, you actually might like The Unusuals, which I originally told you not to bother with.
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Date: 2014-05-15 05:07 pm (UTC)I'm really not sure. I think that thing happened that I told you I was worried about: I went away from it for too long. I have no idea how to get back into it. Alik's not talking to me anymore, and I've got nothing for either story. It's like they... died.
As for unmarried couples... It depends. I like knowing how people come together, so I don't mind seeing the process of how they fell in love and married. I tend to avoid most nonmarried couples now if possible because most of the time they're having sex before they are, and if not with each other, then with other people... I've basically accepted, though, that if I watch television, that's how it will be. They won't be together and they likely won't get married, but they will have plenty of sex, even if it is done in a semi-tasteful fadeout.
I had actually seen the DVD set of the Unusuals before at the library and been tempted to check it out, but I wasn't sure how I'd react to the nonending I read it had when I looked it up.
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Date: 2014-05-15 05:12 pm (UTC):le sigh:
Yeah, nonmarried sex happening. The nonending was... not a cliffhanger, just like a series that leaves most episodes with the characters still dealing with their core issues and not progressing very far or fast. The story's great, so if you don't mind an overarching story doing a wrap-up, it's fine. To be honest, I want a lot more episodes, but I didn't think it did a bad job ending things. It reached a stopping point and that was okay for me.
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Date: 2014-05-15 05:57 pm (UTC)It might be okay as a show. Like I said, I accept that if I watch tv, I will see that kind of thing. I will avoid it when I can, but it's just not possible with television, not anymore.
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Date: 2014-05-15 06:00 pm (UTC)In the meantime, life happened and keeps on trucking.
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Date: 2014-05-15 07:57 pm (UTC)With me, writing is like an express train. It goes full steam until it reaches it's destination. It may slow down at times and it may switch tracks, but if it stops, it stops hard, explodes in a wreck that is rarely able to be cleared. It's ugly. There are fatalities.
After something like that, I have to take a step back and deal with the damage. I have to accept the loss. When I shelve something, I know I may never come back to it and even if I do, it will never be the same. I don't find my way back in easily, and that is why most of my sequels fail.
You did also say that you were unhappy with the directions both stories were going, and you wanted that to change. So... I put them on the shelf. I said goodbye. I forced myself to cut the emotional tether because I could not handle leaving them in that state of "maybe someday." Mentally, I can't handle that. It was too much, the up-yo of thinking it would get worked on and then having days and weeks and months would go by with nothing. I told myself patience first, and then I had to stop believing in it at all because I couldn't let myself try and hope for it. It was too hard when it didn't happen.
I finally cut it off during this last hiatus, accepted the death, and I am really not sure I can go back again. I'd need to know we were making steady progress again before I'd allow myself to touch it. I really love Alik and the story, but I can't do the starts and stops without some sometimes severe mental fallout, and that is why I'm almost more willing to let them die than start this all over again.
You still seem very busy and I'd rather not resume unless you really have the time for it.
I don't think we would have realized how many conflicts we had in our varied processes without trying to write first, and back when we started, we really did think we were on the same page.
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Date: 2014-05-15 08:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-05-15 08:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-05-15 11:46 pm (UTC)I should add that I know that the demands on your time are greater than the ones on mine, and I understand that. I'm not trying to tell you that you have to do as much for the stories as I do because I know I'm faster and rather insane, but I really have come to resent the time you spend on fanfiction, and though I told myself I'd be patient and that it was a part of your process, I do not want to compete with that to do this story, and I don't like the way I feel about it. I'm not sure how to remedy that because I can't ask you to give up a part of your process. I just don't feel like I can compete with everything else... and I don't want to. I'd rather let the stories go than be a naggy clingy cowriter, but I feel that's all I am anymore.
no subject
Date: 2014-05-16 12:04 am (UTC)1. The one-shots I posted for Trope Bingo took an hour a piece. Frankly, I don't spend a lot of time on fanfic, and sometimes I feel guilty about that. Poetry and one-shots don't TAKE a lot of time. Novels and original fiction do/does. Just the way I'm wired. Sorry.
2. I specifically went on total break so I didn't have to worry about the process. It wasn't about the difference of our speed. It was that I needed to finish something before I sent it to you and you kept changing it while I was working on it which made it pretty hard to work on. So while we worked out a method to deal with that, I finally was too stressed to work on it. I think it's fair to say that I didn't say I wouldn't write anything, just that we probably needed to step back on our collaboration and make sure we were still on the same page. We weren't. I haven't gotten enough headspace quite yet to hold a whole novel, so I haven't gone back and reread our letters/meta/work to figure out where we left off. Belibeve it or not, we're still wrapping up the move and my taxes were extended but they're not done. Also, I waited until the last minute pretty much to write my three fiction one-shots, create one photoset, and a fanmix. The photoset really didn't take an hour.
3. I knew the comment was you. I didn't notice it was anonymous.
4. I appreciate your patience. I understand your resentment. I've had a friend's book since just before I read the last book of yours I got to and haven't had the headspace to read a whole novel for a while now.
I already know the stuff in canon, so fandom stuff doesn't require headspace, or at least not nearly the same amount. I'm struggling at work still trying to comprehend instructions I read and tests I'm running, so you're sadly not the only person neglected right now, but you're the only one I specifically cleared it with first.
5. No matter what, you and your friendship still matter to me. I'm not expecting you to drag your hopes back out and have them dashed. I'm just telling you that sometime in the next month or two (provided this proofreading project that came in - paid, so yes, I'm taking it - doesn't drag out due to my concentration issues) you might get a finished draft of something. You may ignore it if you so please. You may alter the mess out of it if you so please. I don't really care.
I have learned that my definitions of success aren't other people's. I can't afford to take theirs on, so I don't. I also know we left off on the shelf and on good footing with a re-evaluate to be done after I was done moving, which sadly I'm not due to helping the general household in addition to dealing with my own stuff. Plus poor sleep.
I have never understood why I could fanfic pretty well when I'm at my lowest ebb and once I feel better, fanfic falls away pretty fast. I can only tell you that if I'm heavily involved in fandom, it's actually not a good sign for my general well-being, and I don't care. It's how I get through the low times, just like regular writing used to work for you.
no subject
Date: 2014-05-16 02:00 am (UTC)Frankly, I still am insecure about it.
I understand the move not being complete. The one I helped my friend with is far from done right now, too.
I have felt before, and still kind of do, that I would rather you not tell me you're working on anything or say that it might be coming. I do get my hopes up, and then things stall out and I get down. It's just easier not to know or expect anything.
I think you still have too much going on to where we should do anything with the stories. I'd rather wait until you were better/clear than add any stress. That's why I said we should wait until you had more time.
And... It bothers me to have you say that you don't care if I do something to the story or not. Why bother if you don't care? Don't do it if you don't care. Do something you care about.
no subject
Date: 2014-05-16 02:57 am (UTC)As for caring, I don't think you'll ever really understand why I write fiction. I CARE about writing it and about writing something you'll love. I DON'T care about whether you're up to participating at any level. I can't. I can't control how people react, and I HAVE to write, so I can't hang my hat on whether anyone else loves what I do on the fiction front. I write and I cling to the ones who turn out to be kindred spirits.
We're just simply not at all the same about why we write or how we motivate ourselves, so when I say things like I don't care, what I'm saying is there's no pressure or expectations on you. Do what you want, but this is something I need or want to do and I want to do it for you, so it'll happen even though you say you'd be worried if you had to be involved. You don't have to be involved. I won't mind. I love you anyway. My love for writing and the process of gifting someone else with fiction is my own and separate from my love for you. I don't care what you do is my way of saying it doesn't matter to me what you do; it won't change that I care and we're friends and separately again that I'll keep on writing.
I'm what I am, which is a rather quirky oddball of a writer who communicates best between the lines and not so well in these sorts of conversations, but I mean that. You don't need to feel any pressure. I'm just saying you'll get a gift since I let it out of the bag by asking for help and I expect you to do with it exactly and only what pleases you.
no subject
Date: 2014-05-16 03:33 am (UTC)I did misunderstand that. I guess I feel that when I'm doing something for someone I want to include them in it, and if it is a collaborative effort, I figure it's important to include the other person.
I have a similar need to write, but I did acquire an unpleasant feeling of needing to share the writing. I haven't been proud of that, and I'm working on changing it. It used to be enough just to write, and I want that back.
I really didn't understand the "I don't care" in that sense. It sounded like you were doing it for the wrong reasons, and I really didn't want that.
I wasn't trying to be difficult about it, and I know I didn't explain myself very well with a lot of that, but I was trying to make it easier and also clear some of the air with stuff I hadn't felt brave enough to voice some of that, especially since some of it was stuff I didn't have a right to be upset over.
no subject
Date: 2014-05-16 02:32 pm (UTC)I also hardly ever explain my reasons. My sister often doesn't want me to do things for the wrong reasons, and I have gotten pretty stubborn about ignoring that because she's usually totally off-base when guessing what my reasoning/thinking process/intentions are. I work around people's assumptions. There's enough grief in my life correcting my sister's about me and I'm working on ignoring hers too (that's just a wee harder though). So that to say, it stands to reason you wouldn't have a thorough picture of why I'm doing something. I'm training myself out of giving long drawn-out explanations, but without those, there a lot of potential inferences I don't always head off at the pass.
And while I'd love to say I stopped posting about what else I was doing so it wouldn't bother you, it wouldn't be true. I've stopped posting anything because 1) half the time I'm not doing anything and 2) the other half, I'm too busy doing real life stuff to take time to talk about what I'm doing instead of just doing it. This move has been traumatic in terms of life activities upheaval. So I cannot promise no posts that won't mention me catching up on ALL the fronts I've gotten behind on (which are many and varied), but I do try to be sensitive in the way I talk about it. My approach to life is pick a priority or two for the day, and the rest is icing. Icing rarely happens. I'm always pleased when it does, but I don't make much effort to prioritize icing.
no subject
Date: 2014-05-16 05:07 pm (UTC)I'm not proud of the way I reacted to the situation. I just have a very hard time stopping my train, and when you had to stop, I really wasn't ready to, so everything else that was "in the way" was frustrating. I am one of those people that tends to "slow boil" and then everything that was bothering me, however insignificant, can come up at once and seem so much worse than it is because it's combined, and I try very hard not to let myself give into that, but I do sometimes. And I was trying to forestall more of that behavior from myself by asking to wait until there was more time because I didn't want to start down that path again.
I used to try and explain all my issues up front when I met people, so that they would know why I was the mess that I was. I found, though, that they didn't understand even when I did that, and so I stopped explaining and only opened up to a few people after that. It's hard to find the right balance of what to tell and what not to tell, and I think it's harder on the internet because there's only text boxes to do it in, no facial expressions or voice inflections and because we only know what each person we interact with is willing/able to share so we don't know enough. It can lead to plenty of misunderstandings. My friend and I actually had to agree not to text/chat for certain conversations because we both got upset by them because it was just text.
I didn't mean to suggest that you shouldn't post about your days and what you're doing. In fact, it was kind of worrisome that you didn't. I know I overreacted to the reading ones in the past (that is a whole other part of my insanity) and again, not proud of that, but when I said I didn't want to know that you were working on stuff, it was only regarding the stuff we were doing together. It was me not wanting to get my hopes up about that story again, not wanting to restart the train. I don't think you should have to censor your posts for me, and I don't want you to. I'm sorry that wasn't clearer. I just found that when you'd say "I might have some of this in a few days," I'd try not to get excited, fail, and get frustrated again when the few days passed and there wasn't anything. I haven't been able to fix that, which was why I said I thought I'd do better if I didn't know it was coming at all.
You are free to post what you want about your activities. Really.
no subject
Date: 2014-05-16 03:37 am (UTC)The seagulls of summer have flown
The sailors have wintered their boats
Come sit by the fire
And tell me your secrets
Love isn't kept easily
The windows are shuttered and closed
Blankets to keep out the cold
But you are still restless
Your heart is enchanted
Drifting away from me
And is she beautiful
She must be pretty or worse
To ride the high seas
She must be beautiful
White linen sails
That have captured your vagrant breeze
Singing her siren song
Luring you far from the harbor
And into the gales
She must be beautiful
So beautiful
To have stolen the wind from my sails
Casting your dreams out to sea
Will you remember me
As years go by
Slipped with the tide
It was I who set you free
And is she beautiful
She must be pretty or worse
To ride the high seas
She must be beautiful
White linen sails
That have captured your vagrant breeze
Singing her siren song
Luring you far from the harbor
And into the gales
She must be beautiful
So beautiful
To have stolen the wind from my sails
So beautiful
To have stolen the wind from my sails
~Janis Ian, "She Must Be Beautiful"
no subject
Date: 2014-05-16 02:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-05-16 05:11 pm (UTC)I have another one with imagery that I really like, too:
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/shawncolvin/shotgundowntheavalanche.html
So apparently my brain said this was fanfic [1/2]
Date: 2014-05-22 09:43 pm (UTC)She never visits the beach in summer.
Justus finds her on winter sands, shivering slightly in the chill salt breeze, long strands of her red hair flying up from her waist to billow in the wind.
Rachelle has an elegance that does not go with her easy foregoing of grace. She is slender and dressed in breezy layers, one over the other over the other to shut out the world, like the layers of walls she builds between her heart and another’s. He watches her hands catch the wind, watches her eyelids close over hazel eyes, watches the soft smile on her face that appears when no one else is watching. He knows she has sensed him watching.
He imagines he can see frost on her brow. There is cool indifference when she takes him into her gaze and arches one brow, but now that she has acknowledged him, she allows him closer, to slide his arms around her waist under her own and to breathe in the soft clean scent of her hair.
“Ever practical,” Justus murmurs quietly.
And Rachelle is practical. She dresses up only with a reason, she keeps her heart well inside her sleeves and her hair well out of her face in a fight. The layers she wears are pretty and feminine, but they are practical. They protect her skin from the genetic detritus in the air that can overload her special ability to read and replicate genetic material other than her own. She is ruthless with her walls because she needs him. Because he knows this, he respects her harsh demands for personal space. He does not touch her skin. He holds her lightly and lets her go at the slightest flinch.
She stares out at the cold sea, the shivers of snow scattered over the sand. “Is this practical?”
The question settles between them, unpleasantly heavy. She could be referring to the early winter frost, the cold in the air, and her choice to come here or it could be something more personal, like the fact that she knows now that Justus is in love with her. Love to Rachelle has never been practical.
“It’s us,” he says softly, hands still though he wants to brace them against her. He wants to hold on because every instinct inside him is telling him she’s going to let him go.
But Rachelle is not predictable. She turns around, head tilted playfully, mouth curving upward slightly on one side, and she kisses him softly on his cheek. It could mean nothing. It could mean everything.
Re: So apparently my brain said this was fanfic [2/2]
Date: 2014-05-22 09:43 pm (UTC)“When I first saw you,” she says lightly, “I didn’t think you would make it.” It makes something inside him still and tense to hear the words. “You hated everything Shift was teaching you, and I figured someday, somehow she’d either ask too much or you would simply stop being you.”
Justus leans his forehead against hers, listening intently. “Did you know who I was?”
Her smile is sharp. “I’m not just a genetic processor, Justus.” And she’s not. She’s also the product of all the genes she has processed. She is any special ability she has encountered. She’s a mindreader, a cyberpath, a healer… everything. “You are justice and right and wrong and a survivor. I thought you’d survive, but that your sense of justice wouldn’t.”
He waits out her silence for almost a full minute.
“I was wrong,” she finally says and pulls away with a sigh. Her fingers don’t completely release his though, and she tugs him along behind her toward a misshapen pile of dry driftwood.
It doesn’t take much for him to notice what she intends and help her build a fire, then settle down beside her. It’s not often she feels a need to just talk, but he likes to listen when she does because it’s never something casual. It’s always something important.
“You’re a team member and yet you haven’t lost what your family made you.” She studies him with a piercing gaze. “You got me?”
“Are you trying to fix me?” Justus asks. There’s a harsher edge to his own tone. They’re coming full circle now into the comfortable sharpness they have always been together, blade sharpening blade, rough hand trailing up her spine.
“I don’t want to,” Rachelle states bluntly, then leans back on her hands.
It shakes off his touch. He lets it.
There’s something scathing in her appraisal now, something that stings and flays and makes him want to flay off some of her own layers and find the hurting heart beneath. He doesn’t even try. She would never let him.
“I’ll tell you a secret,” she says softly, that look still in her eyes, her face that this will hit him where he’s raw if he lets her.
This is her own form of respect, he thinks. He warns her before he touches her skin. She warns him before she bruises his heart. “Tell me,” he says roughly. She rarely (never) shares her secrets with someone she doesn’t trust. She doesn’t trust even half the people most think she does.
“We’re both broken.”
Justus studies her face when she says it. She is matter-of-fact. Rachelle is always practical.
“Love is being willing to break yourself again,” she goes on, voice darkening a shade, “until there’s no way left to pick up the pieces because that’s what you do if someone you love needs it.” She looks at him.
Tension flares. He couldn’t close the gap if he tried. It’s already full of so many nameless, sharp, and broken pieces they’ve fitted together in the effort to survive. Justus could touch her, but he knows she is saying he already has.
“Don’t love me,” she says and gets to her feet. Her fingers brush idly through his hair as she passes him and walks up the wintry beach.
Re: So apparently my brain said this was fanfic [2/2]
Date: 2014-05-23 12:01 am (UTC)It's one of those ones that hurts but in a good way, which makes little sense, I guess. It was painful but still good.
The broken line makes me think of something I said in a fic, but I think that I used it in an opposite way from Rachelle.
(Your brain should think more stuff like this is fanfic. Well, when it can.)
Re: So apparently my brain said this was fanfic [2/2]
Date: 2014-05-23 02:34 pm (UTC)Re: So apparently my brain said this was fanfic [2/2]
Date: 2014-05-23 04:35 pm (UTC)I've got the song on the cd in the car right now, so I listen to it at least once on the way to and from work.
Re: So apparently my brain said this was fanfic [1/2]
Date: 2014-05-22 09:47 pm (UTC)More lyrics...
Date: 2014-05-16 05:51 pm (UTC)http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/headandtheheart/soundslikehallelujah.html
And this made me think K & T:
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/firstaidkit/ifoundaway.html
And this one, where I first thought of doing something because of the "tell you one thing" verses, but the whole thing is good:
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/headandtheheart/anotherstory.html
Also...
This part here:
The weight of lies will bring you down
And follow you to every town 'cause
Nothing happens here that doesn't happen there
When you run make sure you run
To something and not away from 'cause
Lies don't need an aeroplane to chase you down
~The Avett Brothers, "The Weight of Lies"
And I know there are lots of others I could put in, too, but there's a start, hopefully not too overwhelming or anything.